Before we address play concerns, we first have to mention that as with all developmental milestones, each child goes through stages of play. According to Mildred Parten, these are the different phases of play that children progress through as they age:
Unoccupied play - 0-3 months
At this age, children typically become adept at occupying themselves with little to nothing. This often includes playing with their body parts, giggling at animate or inanimate objects with no cause, and shaking/hitting items near them before putting them down.
Solitary play - 3 months - 2.5 years
This is when children begin to play alone but in a more purposeful manner. Kids will also use items to represent other things. For example, they may pretend that the TV remote control is a toy car and drive it around with other “cars” nearby.
Spectator play - 2.5 years - 3.5 years
Children in this phase become interested in what other kids are doing. They may position themselves nearby so they can watch other kids play but they still prefer to play alone. Some kids may express being shy about joining in a group activity.
Parallel play - 3.5 years - 4 years
This phase involves children playing alongside each other, but not with one another. They will also begin sharing some resources. For example, kids may be building completely separate towers or race tracks while taking blocks from the same shared bin.
Associative play - 4 years - 4.5 years
This is when kids usually first learn about sharing, because they begin to comment on each other’s work and perhaps even copy each other at times.
Cooperative play - 4.5 years and up
Kids in this phase are more skilled at sharing, working together toward a common goal, and collaborating. This usually involves board games, team sports, and group activities with a lot of pretend play.
Each child is different and a variety of factors can affect their progression through these stages. A variety of play concerns may arise over time and parents should be aware of how to deal with them:
1) Rough play
It’s relatively easy to identify a child who tends toward rough play -- parents may get reports from the teacher that the child is biting and hitting other kids or they may be running constantly when it’s not appropriate to do so. The best way to deal with this is to encourage gross motor tasks (and even gross motor breaks throughout the day) like rock climbing, hopscotch, jumping jacks, playing on the monkey bars, and more. This is also a good opportunity to get a child into sports like swimming, soccer, or tee ball to help get some of that energy out and improve their ability to play calmly when inside or with other children.
2) Solitary play
We discussed solitary play above and mentioned that it’s a normal phase for children to go through. However, some parents may have concerns that their child is not playing with other children enough or they still prefer solitary play as a 6- or 7-year-old. Certain children -- especially those who have unique or complex interests like building model trains or playing with technology -- may truly enjoy playing on their own. Whereas some kids who play alone may want to connect with others, but just don’t know how. You can help facilitate your child’s interaction with others by asking them about inviting friends or peers over, maybe even cousins that are around the same age. This will help your child get more used to playing with other kids around (even if it’s not playing with them just yet). Then you can slowly help them engage in group activities like board games or group activities focused on acting out roles and imaginative play. It’s a good idea to start with board games that require the least amount of interaction such as Connect4 or Candyland at first to get your child comfortable of engaging with others, then you can proceed to games that involve more interactive play like Silly Street or Stack Up!
3) Playing with the same toys
Many kids have more toys than they can count, so it’s normal for them to gravitate toward a choice few that they are more familiar with. But if your child is showing a particularly strong connection with certain toys and they tantrum when those toys are taken away or missing, then you may want to find out what makes those items so special. If they are particularly fixated on puzzles, then look into getting them new puzzles with the same number of pieces or similar images on them. This allows them to continue exploring puzzles -- which they clearly like -- but still develop their skills by getting new challenges.
4) Trouble sharing
It’s completely normal for children under the age of 2-3 to have difficulty sharing. But parents may become concerned if their child continues to demonstrate trouble using toys with others. For most kids, it’s dependent on their temperament -- certain kids are more sensitive to the needs of others, so they will be more likely to give toys away if they feel someone really wants it. Forcing kids to share is not a good way to get them more used to the idea, but as kids go to school and spend more time around others, they may gradually get more accustomed to it. A child who doesn’t want to share may feel insecure in their environment, therefore they equate their toys with their sense of safety and stability. Ensure sure your child is comfortable in their surroundings to get them used to the idea of sharing. Also, demonstrate that you return toys after you are done using them, and slowly increase the amount of time that you are using their preferred toy.
5) Avoiding games with rules
Some kids, especially those on the younger side, may tend toward free play where they can use their creativity to do (or be) whatever they want. While creativity is always encouraged, children typically progress toward more organized playing, activities, and sports as they get older. Each of these consists of following directions, learning rules, and working toward a common goal. Some kids may have trouble with each of these aspects due to motor planning issues, which make it difficult for them to understand how to sequence, plan, and organize their actions effectively. This can be helped with practice of games like simon says, hopscotch, and other tasks that require a lot of coordination. You can guide your kids in improving by showing them what to do and giving them clear yet simple instructions -- some kids do well with a variety of assistance in this way.
There are many paths that your child can take on the road to developing their play skills. These concerns are not major and some will improve on their own with time and practice. However, no matter what the issue is, you can help encourage positive, creative, and social play by being there to help along the way.
If you have specific play questions or concerns that you’d like addressed, look into the Toy and Play Consultations that I offer.